Sheryl Sandberg’s book Lean In is now everywhere – television, internet, radio and finally, the bookshelves (as of March 11). The message: believe in yourself, give it your all, “lean in” and “don’t leave before you leave.” Ms. Sandberg recognizes that both internal and external barriers prevent women from getting to the top, and she chooses to focus on the internal revolution because the internal barriers are within our control.
Mixing work and life is a fluid and complex process wrought with the challenges of actually living it. So we asked our community for their initial impressions before the book release (based on Time Magazine’s Spread on Lean In and Yes, You Can (Anne-Marie Slaughter)); we asked, “Do you Lean In, Lean Out, or Sway between the two?” The responses were passionate and varied. Below, we share 7 powerful insights and opinions of real women and men, with highly regarded educations and professional credentials, who are living different versions of the work-life mix.
(1) Mindset Matters
It is hard to dispute the power of a confident mindset.
Graham — Author, Entrepreneur, Father of 2 School-Aged Girls:
I’m strongly biased toward action in general. So the Lean In movement appeals to me in that I think that there is almost always more that people can do than they believe. In grad school, I learned this about child development: Children’s belief that they can do the impossible is an essential element to them accomplishing the possible. What is true for kids is true for us too. The higher our expectations, the higher we achieve. And often we don’t know what is possible and what’s impossible, so shooting high is wise.
Jenny — Graduate Student:
I really like the idea of “leaning in” to a career, especially from the get-go, because it combines the notions of making a strong first impression and making the most of every opportunity. It’s better to work hard and have options, than hold back and miss out on opportunities.
Melissa — Attorney, Business Owner, Mother of 2 School-Aged Boys:
I believe that women should always strive to excel at whatever task is in front of them, regardless of timing or what might lie ahead. Striving to build one’s wisdom through experience will always make us better prepared to take on any role at any time. But, it is impossible to know what we may want to do in the future, so it is advisable to “lean in” to take advantage of the opportunities right in front of us. Life is a journey, not a destination.
(2) Priorities Change (Often Unpredictably)
It is very difficult to predict the future or our individual reactions to it. Most of our respondents agree that leaning in early professionally is necessary for advancement but not predictive of a linear path to increased flexibility, control, or a higher likelihood of a thriving work-life mix. At 20-something, many of us did Lean In only to lean out or alter paths when our goals and perspectives changed. When children entered our mix, priorities shifted. Each woman’s path results from her own mix of emotions and needs when it comes to both the professional and personal aspects of her life.
Holly — Entrepreneur, Mother of 2 School-Aged Boys:
When I was a pre-mom – I worked my butt off to get myself as high as I could up the corporate ladder. At my last corporate role, I was the VP of Corporate Communications of a public company – with a “Seat at the table” with every person with a C in front of their title. I never backed away from a moment of responsibility – until I became a mom. In the same way that I never said no to a work assignment, I made the decision after kid #2 to be a full time mom because for me, I’m an all or nothing person. I didn’t really want to short change my kids because before them I went to business school. I am fortunate enough to have a husband with the salary to afford this decision. And if I were basing my decision on providing for my kids, then I would probably be at work. But I don’t think that I ever felt “held back” or was perceived by any of my colleagues or peers to be held back as a working woman. I think my priorities changed as I realized that a nanny was not a replacement for a mom… and I have chosen to put my graduate and corporate education to work in managing my family’s lives.
Kate — Foundation Executive, Mother of 2 Young Boys:
In my career, I did “lean in” as Sheryl Sandberg suggests and I think it did serve me. However, my response to Sandberg’s concept is… yes, that CAN be true, but maybe not always. The flip side is that if you know what you want your life to be like after the kids come along, you can be thoughtful and deliberate in the creation of what you want your work-life mix to look like. You can set yourself up for success on your own terms. I don’t consider this “leaning out,” rather it is being intentional about what you want and taking the initiative to make it possible. Perhaps we could all be well served to just make sure we are really thinking about our choices and with this awareness feel confident that we are making the right personal decisions.
Molly — Non Profit Director, Mother of 2 Teenage Sons:
My gut response … I am fairly traditional. Having children often changes a woman’s priorities and perspectives. Motherhood may take us out of the professional realm for a period but those energies and values are transferred to raising a healthy family. I am assuming “leaning in” essentially means consciously pursuing leadership and decision making opportunities in the workforce. I have done that in different phases of my life. It is very valuable to commit, however, it was not my top priority while raising young children.
Anjee — Cause Marketing, Mother of 1 Young Son:
I don’t disagree with her, but I don’t necessarily agree with the nuances of her position. I do agree women make incremental choices to accommodate life choices like children. But for me, it’s not always a lack of belief in one’s own talent or ability. I tend to see my own life and career just like the implementation of a project/program. Early on I asked myself, “what is my long game?” What do I need to put in place to make sure that my overall quality of life and objectives in my career are met. My choices were not a compromise. They are ultimately “choices.” The husband I married was my choice and I chose him knowing I needed someone who would be willing to share the work load with me (and of course I loved him). The job I have as a Vice President working from home is what I knew I needed to be a good mom. I don’t feel my choices inhibited me or my career. I think just the opposite.
(3) Leaning In Means Leaning Out
By leaning in to career and profession, consequently we lean out of other areas of life. Ms. Sandberg writes, “Trying to do it all and expecting that it all can be done exactly right is a recipe for disappointment.”
Judy — Entrepreneur, Lawyer, Mother of 2 Young Boys:
I am definitely a believer of you get what you put in. That said, the points made don’t take into account the fact that sacrifices are to be made for one’s career advancement. In proposing women “lean in” there has to be some aspects of life where they will have to lean out more to balance it out. So it depends on what aspects of life are priorities: family – from children, spouse, parents, to extended family; career; social life and community. Should one choose to lean in to a career, then there generally is leaning out somewhere else. I don’t think it’s fair to argue that by not leaning in to one’s career, one has given it a subpar effort. There was a “lean in” to something else.
Danielle — Entrepreneur, Mother of 2 Young Daughters:
My initial thought is that I agree with her. I actually applied this concept to my own life and career and wanted to, in some way, prove that having children would not hold me back from climbing the corporate ladder. I was lucky to have support at home, but it was from my nanny, not my husband taking on 50% of the “load”. And it was actually “working.” Still, I believe, you pay a price somewhere else in your life for “leaning in” at work…mine was sleep (I was a work-a-holic that worked a night schedule to try to get it all done and then some, while raising two kids under two) and my personal/social life was taking a back seat.
Jessica — Former Lawyer, Mother of 4 Young Children:
We all agree that women are very capable and can lead very fulfilling and accomplished lives. The divergence of views comes with what fulfills and what defines success. It is disingenuous to say, “You can have it all.” We all have to choose where we invest our time, talents and resources.
(4) Definition of Success Differs
The definition of success is as individual as the woman herself. Judging all women by one standard of accomplishments is a recipe for disappointment and frustration.
Mary Louis Kelly writes, “I suspect that for every woman who’s ever tried to balance work and family, there comes a day when you hit the wall. I don’t mean your run-of-the-mill bad day, when the baby barfs down the back of your suit as you’re racing out the door. I’m not even talking about the stress-hive-inducing, babysitter-calls-in-sick-on-morning-of-crucial-client-presentation kind of day. I’m talking about The. Day. You. Hit. The. Wall…. with sincere and enormous respect for the accomplishments of superwomen like Sheryl Sandberg—I wonder if there isn’t room for a more expansive definition of female professional success. So many of the women I know are blending work and family in ways our mothers and grandmothers never dreamed possible. This seems to me worth celebrating, not sniffing at.” (When the Sheryl Sandberg Approach Fails)
Grace — In-House Counsel:
What Ms. Sandberg says rings true. Women often don’t reach for things that they could obtain. But I don’t think it’s always because women don’t have confidence or make excuses. I think there are other factors, like for example, a woman doesn’t reach for something because she believes the success of the whole is greater than her individual success. I’ve heard that women are more communal, and men more independent, therefore when a woman succeeds, she often points to others who helped her along the way, saying “it was a group effort.” When a man succeeds, he says, “I know, I am awesome.” In other words, “success” for a woman may look different than for a man.
(5) External Barriers Are Real
Sheryl Sandberg describes the chicken and the egg problem: when women can rise to positions of power, they will tear down external barriers (the chicken) yet external barriers need to be eliminated for women to get into those roles in the first place (the egg). She chooses to focus on the chicken. However, thought leaders such as Anne-Marie Slaughter (in her review of the Lean In), Peg Tyre (Dear Sheryl Sandberg, Congrats on your new book, but…) and Wixii women point out that the egg may be the bigger problem:
Karen — Career Counselor, Mother of 3 Young Children:
I think there may be some truth in Sheryl’s message but I think she’s oversimplifying the issue. She (and her husband for that matter) comes from such a position of privilege that I don’t feel that her advice of “lean in, try harder, work harder” is enough for the majority of women to achieve her level of success. I feel there are major structural and policy changes that need to happen for women to have the same opportunities as men. I also find her message to be patronizing, as it sounds like its women’s fault that they aren’t more successful.
Jane — In-House Counsel, Mother of 2 Young Daughters:
I think that until we make the workplace more friendly to women and families in general, even women who really truly lean in and work to become the best that they can be professionally, come to a crossroads when they have children and are forced to give up opportunities in order to make it possible to have a satisfying family life. I found myself envying those women who had more long term views in choosing their profession, finding fields and opportunities that would be more conducive to raising a family and achieving a better balance, even before they had kids. I think that those women seem happier and are able to achieve a mix that they find satisfying vs. women who find themselves in a difficult place when, after having kids, they realize that they can no longer give their career their all, and yet it still demands their all. So they become resentful or unhappy and are forced to either leave a career behind completely or make drastic changes that often don’t work with a particular career. And these are often women who were ambitious and considered “super stars” in their profession or workplace before having kids, women who truly “leaned in”. I think that women who have a more long term view in carefully constructing their career to make it mesh with family down the road aren’t left in shock after they come back to work and realize that it just doesn’t work anymore. I don’t know that that means leaning in or out, maybe it’s more about making sure you are “leaning in” in the right place… Because even if you lean in with all your might, if it’s a place that will demand nothing less than all of you even post-kids, then I don’t think it matters that you gave it your all pre-kids…
(6) Support is Vital
We need support to thrive in work and life. Professionally, community and individual relationships (mentoring) are essential. Personally, we need support systems, from our spouses, extended family, hired help, as well as community and friends who relate to our values and priorities (or bring us back in line when we veer away from what is really important to us).
Jean — Financial Executive, Mother of 2 School-Aged Sons:
I agree 100% that we ALL need to “lean in” to life, both professionally AND personally. That said, I am not convinced by this argument that our glass ceiling problem is because women make a choice to “lean out” before the family trade-offs even come in to the picture. I believe there is a deeper root cause embedded in corporate culture. To succeed in business, women need to be taught specific skills that may not come naturally in order to effectively “lean in” in a male leadership dominated environment. “Leaning in” in this context requires a thick skin, highly confident action and asking for what you want. This is why active mentoring is so vitally important for young women
Tara — In House Counsel, Mother of 2 School-Aged Daughters:
In theory, “leaning in” rather than “leaning out” makes sense, but without a strong support system (both personally and professionally) to lean ON, you will fall either too far “in” or “out.”
Allison — Sales Management, Mother of 2 School-Aged Boys:
I don’t think there is a way to explain the love and change any mother goes through so there is a shift in balance and priorities when a birth occurs… even when they love their job/career. I think the key of the lean in factor needs to begin there, having more support groups, corporate daycare or telecommuting opportunities etc. There is nothing more powerful than women supporting women. That is when the pendulum will change.
(7) Work-Life Mix Applies to Both Men and Women
Ms. Sandberg asserts that “A truly equal world would be one where women ran half our countries and companies and men ran half our homes.” It is no secret that the traditional family model of husband breadwinner and wife homemaker is becoming increasingly rare. Many men assume larger roles at home while many women contribute significantly to their household income (not to mention the many other family models, including single parents, etc.).
Vivian — Physician, Mother to 2 Young Children:
I think the more we realize and propose that what are considered classically as “women gender” issues are really “all gender” issues, and highlight how stressors affect both men and women equally, the better it would be for everyone in the work force.
We applaud loudly any efforts to bring more opportunities and encouragement to women professionally but also are cautious of the Lean In “ask.” We recognize that the main “Lean In” target audience is the 20-somethings just starting their careers and who have the ability to “lean in” without the demands of family and with the hope that with each individual success, women will have more options and flexibility for meaningful work and meaningful family time in their child-raising stage. Ms. Sandberg posits that if these “Lean In women” can ascend to the higher ranks of the corporate, government and political worlds, these women can change policy and systems for all. This is an admirable and lofty goal, but will it realistically ignite widespread change and eradicate gender-related barriers? We will be actively monitoring and joining the conversation as the movement unfolds.
