We are 2 weeks in to The Wixii™ Project: what does “HAVING IT ALL” really look like? And, already it is becoming apparent that “having it all” is not necessarily “doing it all.”
Some of you may have already realized this, but some of us (i.e., yours truly) are slower on the uptake. Between Kyoko’s profile last week and Jayne’s profile this week, I feel like a lifeline has been thrown out—one that allows me to acknowledge that trying to “do it all” is preventing me from prioritizing and thinking about what “having it all” actually means and could potentially look like in my life.
Growing up, my parents frequently prided themselves on the fact that they raised my sister and me with little help—no hired babysitters, no housekeepers, and minimal extended-family contributions. My mom owned restaurants, but my dad’s career as an insurance agent provided flexibility for them to make it work. Of course, quality time as a family was rare, but it was ingrained in me that not having help was somehow more valuable.
Before we had children, my husband and I both had demanding careers and shared household responsibilities equally (often, he would end up picking up more of the slack because of my demanding work hours). However, once we had children, we found ourselves in more “traditional” husband/father and wife/mother roles. He became the primary breadwinner, and though he did not necessarily expect it, I put pressure on myself to take care of everything else.
I soon began to drown under the weight of my own expectations. Shortly before giving birth to our second son, I started practicing law again in addition to planning to launch Women in the Mix. I took on more responsibilities but initially did not relinquish any of my other duties. For those of us who are constantly wishing there was more time in a day, there is a logical solution: build a support team.
A Fun Family Outing Aboard the Santa Express. Made Possible by Not Trying to Do It All.
Acknowledging that I need help and support then actually getting it are tremendous struggles for me. I feel like I should (be able to) do it all. We now have a housekeeper who cleans our house once every two weeks. Initially, I felt like it was such a privileged indulgence to hire her. During the interview process, I found myself apologizing profusely for “choosing” to not clean myself. Now, I cannot imagine not having that support. It has freed up several hours per week and saves a lot of energy that would otherwise be wasted simply through the drain of procrastination and worrying about when to squeeze in time to clean (not to mention the actual cleaning itself). These are hours that I can spend on my venture, my practice, my children, my husband, and any other priorities—all while still enjoying the benefits of a clean home.
Through baby steps, I’m finally letting myself admit that trying to do it all leads me in the opposite direction of thriving in my work-life mix. Kyoko and Jayne have inspired me to continue finding ways to integrate help and support into daily life. For those of us who have limited financial resources and, perhaps, difficulty letting go, I am seeing that support can come in many ways. It can range from sharing more duties with your partner, to trading favors with family and friends, to hiring formal help/sitters, etc. It can mean asking my mom to watch the boys during their nap time so I can grocery shop and being organized in advance so that she can chop vegetables and fold a load of laundry. Be creative and think about different streams of responsibilities. Prioritize what matters most, and don’t assume that if the budget does not allow it then there are no options but to trudge forward and to keep trying to “do it all.”
Please join in this conversation on our facebook page and tell us about the help and support you have and how it contributes to your ability to create the work-life mix you want. No guilt, no judgment, just the reality that “having it all” is not necessarily “doing it all.”
