Before children entered into the picture, the combined functions of wife and household management seemed nearly effortless and took a relatively small percentage of time and effort. Compared to my full-time job outside of the time, the time and effort devoted to building a strong marriage and spending quality time with my husband while managing the house (i.e., cooking, cleaning, laundry, finances, and maintenance in general) were simply part of my life outside of work (as opposed to separate and distinct duties). While I was working 100+ hours per week as a corporate attorney, my husband and I still managed to eat dinner together and enjoy meaningful conversation on most nights, even if that meant eating after 9:00pm (and then returning to work afterward). If the apartment needed tidying, laundry needed doing, or groceries needed buying, we could squeeze it in whenever we could. We had the luxury of being two self-sufficient adults who worked together to maximize our time outside of work.
In our DINKY (double income no kids yet) days, I dreamed about motherhood and how it would enhance all aspects of our lives—an opportunity for our love to manifest into the next generation. I had an idyllic vision of motherhood as an opportunity to strengthen our marriage while partaking in the molding and shaping child(ren). I figured the transition would somehow seamlessly fold into our existing lifestyle and habits…
It took me about 2.5 years into the journey of motherhood to appreciate that the new role actually turned my previously “part-time” functions into THREE distinct yet intertwined, and sometimes more than full-time efforts. (i) Marriage: I now have to work very intentionally to ensure that time with my husband is quality and actually connecting rather than purely logistical (it is too easy to fall into a pattern of “ships passing in the night”)—when we do find quality time together, coordinating childcare and planning for us being away also takes time, planning, and effort. (ii) Household Management: There is so much more of everything now—more grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, general maintenance, financial futures to consider, etc.—even if I spent all day every day doing the tasks related to simply having more dependent people in my mix, I would not run out of things to do. (iii) Children: Raising children to become healthy, well-adjusted, and contributing adults is a 24-7 responsibility (especially in the early years when sleep is tenuous). Deep breath!
Many women, myself included, take for granted that raising children will be a rewarding and worthy endeavor. However, many of us do not immediately recognize the fundamental tension built into the three roles of mother, household manager, and wife. The process of raising children, who are dependent and need to test boundaries and challenge the status quo so that they can learn and grow, often works in direct opposition to managing the house, which involves maintaining the status quo, order, and peace. Additionally, while raising children and managing the household can enhance the spousal relationship, it can also cause many strains, particularly, because spending quality time and connecting meaningfully takes much more conscious effort than during the DINKY days.
Recognizing these fundamental tensions and the different skillsets involved in these three respective roles has been critical in helping me to identify my own relative strengths and weaknesses and give myself permission to ask for help when needed. If there is tension amongst your multiple roles within Family and House, consider the following:
1. Think about each function individually and identify your relative strengths and weaknesses. For example, in household management, are you more proficient at organizing? Executing and maintaining? With the children, do you find it easier to tend to their basic needs than to teach them certain skills? Focus on your strengths and figure out ways to get help with challenging areas.
2. With your strengths, celebrate them!
3. With your challenges, think about:
(a) Is this something that can be outsourced in some capacity? For example, explore hiring a bi-weekly cleaning service to handle the deep cleaning.
(b) Is this something with which my spouse can take a bigger role? Maybe your spouse takes the responsibility of planning and coordinating date nights (including ALL the details and logistics).
(c) How can I engage my community? Can I participate in a group freezer meal exchange that allows friends to socialize and gives my family several meals? Could I participate in a carpool to get the kids to practice? Even if outsourcing every household and domestic challenge is not an option, you may be surprised at the solutions you will find once you identify the issue and give yourself permission to ask for help.
4. Prioritize amongst the functions and check yourself to make sure you are living according to your priorities. For example, is your spousal relationship your top priority because this is the relationship that should last a lifetime even after children leave the house? Yet, do you spend more time tidying up and cooking than you do connecting with your spouse?
Understanding that there are three distinct yet intertwined roles—wife, mother, household manager—no wonder the days can seem long though the years are short. Add to this the multitude of other components in our individual work-life mix, e.g., work outside the home, time for ourselves, community involvement, etc., and life can overwhelm. Take a moment to take stock of your family relationships and household responsibilities. Understand the fundamentally opposed dynamics, embrace them, and take action so that you can THRIVE rather than simply survive during this busy season of life.
