“You speak so nicely to him,” a friend recently commented, with something akin to shock in her voice, when I finished a call with my husband. She wasn’t the first to share her observation, nor state it with a tone of surprise. For the almost 20 years that Malcolm and I have known one another, we mostly naturally, but at times intentionally, practiced and prioritized speaking kindly to one another. We both noticed that the kinder we were with one another the more we enjoyed our life together – daily grind and all. We jointly adapted the old adage; “if you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all” to “if I can’t say it kindly, I probably shouldn’t say it until I can.” We both learned the hard way that once you say something, try as we may, we can’t take it back.
In fact, studies show that we are more likely to speak kindly to strangers or acquaintances than our spouses. So, it begs the question, does speaking kindly to your spouse (and by extension to your children) make a difference? It may sound Pollyanna like, but research supports that it is not so much the actual message that ultimately matters as the delivery – tone, word choice, timing – that cause positive or negative reactions. In fact, experts advise that that kindness in every day communication with your spouse and children lead to more satisfaction and less stress in these important relationships. meQuilibrium’s research defines “speaking kindly” as not necessarily piling “on the compliments — just the way in which you talk to someone (mindfully, gently) matters. Looking someone in the eye, touching his arm, asking if you can help — these things go a long way.”
This Valentine’s Day consider giving the gift of speaking kindly. I found both these articles helpful in offering sound and not sappy strategies on how to practice speaking kindly:
To your spouse: In 4 Tricks to Communicating With Your Husband, the author shares four practical strategies with examples for effectively communicating with your spouse by recognizing that motivations and perceptions can be roadblocks or bridges to success.
To your children: How to Speak Kindly to Children offers eight suggestions for practicing kind communication with your children: “Children respond well to kindness. While what you say and the tone of your voice indicates how you are feeling, your child interprets your words and tone as direct messages about his own self-worth. If you speak kindly, not only will kids respond more quickly, kind words will help build self-confidence.” Truly win-win!
Instead of chocolates or other clichéd gifts, consider giving your spouse and children a few kinds words this Valentine’s day (and beyond). Practicing the suggestions above can lead to a new habit of communicating kindly, and thereby reducing stress and increasing thriving. Happy Hearts Day!
